Friday, December 5, 2008

i have a friend he's mostly made of paint...

Es mejor vivir 1 day como leon
than un mil anos como lamb
el leon y the lamb will lie down juntos?
who will make this happen?
despues de un dia
the lion is ready to lie down
soy leon?
eres mi lamb?
o can i be yours?
when will i lie down?
cuando acostaremos?
es mejor VIVIR 1 day
than un mil de anos
just give me something to show for it

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

the rain made such a lovely sound to those who are six feet under ground

the things that i love the most in life are, like most people, the things that i should love the most. it seems that what is good, or worthy of love is much more universal that what one should hate. but i am struggling right now with the fact, well, that so much of what i am supposed to love is turning into, or has become everything that i hate. i don't know how to respond, or act when i am around people or in places that i used to and know that i should love when every semblance of what i perceived to be worthy of my love before is gone and it is just demanding. it's wearing on me, and i'm tired.

i just want to love and be loved in return...

Monday, November 17, 2008

i heard there was a secret cord that david played and it pleased the lord but you don't really care for music, do you

so when i started blogging here, i must admit i was intrigued. i thought to myself "cool, secret blog. i can do and say whatever i want!" the idea of a secret blog was very appealing, but i realized that i wanted to use this more as a way for me to stay in touch with friends, maybe make a few new ones, and simply write. i realized that a secret blog of this nature, written by someone of my lowly import, does not get a whole lot of traffic and would be, therefore, very lonely. anyone who knows me would know that i like people, i don't know if anyone would call me a "people person" i think that i get called an "ass" much more often, but none would say that i am not a social animal of sorts. but it has happened, twice now i have had things that i really needed to talk about, to vent i guess, but i have had no forum, public or private to do it in. i am not one to hold my tongue, i generally say what i feel, i try and be tactful, but have no problem stating my mind. sometimes this is good and sometimes it is not. so it was hard for me not to let go here to my virtual colleagues. i don't know if i am "growing up" (i did just turn 29), or what, but my blog here has turned into an affective filter to help censure my emotions. i don't like holding things back, i feel somewhat dishonest with myself, but i can't please everyone, nor can i change them as to be pleased by them. these have been some of those times where no one wins, so i guess i'll keep quiet.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

now i need to clear a few things up i need to get my head clear need to clear the air

well, i have been doing a lot lately. my brother took me to a concert to commemorate an event that took place some 29 years ago. we went and saw The Eagles of Death Metal. the show was great, they played for nearly two hours, blew out two amps, and broke several pieces of the drum set. they never stopped playing, it didn't matter what went wrong they just rocked out for the crowd. then this weekend i went with some friends and we kayaked all weekend. i did really well, i took my little play boat and hit all of my lines, it helps when you have good people to go with, it always makes my confidence go up. and i have been reading as much as i can, i really have a lot to do for my thesis. anyway i hope that your weekends were as rejuvenating, although ephemeral as mine...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog, where no one notices the contrast of white on white

well, the few blogs that i prescribe to have seemed to all have a "home" or some sort of "family" theme this past week. they talked about anything from settling in, to where home really is, and the calling back to home, and even how people from their home treat each other. so i have been feeling quite out of place in all that i do recently, it seems to be somewhat inspiring for a thesis however, and i have actually been somewhat productive this week. Home is an interesting concept for me. i have lived at home longer than many, but i have left for significant amounts of time more than most. i don't think that i can think of a time when i ever felt home sick, and yet i can't think of a time that i felt any different at home than i have in my travels. so what is home? what does it feel like? I have an amazing mother, when I don't get to talk to her, or see her i miss her. but when i am at her house i miss mexico and guatemala, and even idaho. so is it possible to have that many "homes" ? i was talking with a friend last night and she got confused because i called my parents house "home", and i call my current place of dwelling my "apartment" but i feel the same way about them and when i am in them (except for the fact that i don't have the bookshelve space in my apartment that i had before). As a general rule, the first night in a new place is hard for me and i wount sleep real well, but after that i feel just as much "at home" as i do anywhere else. i am goinog on a kayaking trip the begining of november with some friends, i am really looking forward to this, but the interestign things is that teh beach that we are going to sleep on and my goose down sleeping bag are just as inviting and comforting as the couch in house where i spent the greater part of my life. so what is this "home" thing all about?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

music the great communicator, use two sticks to make it in the nature

so, i really really love music. i have been on a jazz kick lately, and thanks to the cave of montesinos i have a nice little library right now on my computer. i have to admit it is a little trumpet heavy but that's okay... so anyway, i understand that anyone who reads this is probably someone who knows me rather well and is already aware of what i am about to tell you, so this might not be the most exciting post for most of you, but on the off chance that someone happens to stumble upon this, i would like to think that it will make their life better.

check this out pandora
put in your email address, don't worry no problems there, and enjoy commercial free, customizable, personal stations of heaven. i want to recommend to all of you that you check out the "chambao" station, it's one of my favorites!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

why are you doing this to me, am i not living up to what i'm supposed to be?

so i have been feeling a little sacado de la onda lately. i have been kayaking with some friends, and it really helped, i felt rejuvenated and happy. came back to work and things just didn't seem to keep up. it is always hard when you realize that people don't see you or think about you the way that you think they do, and harder when you realize that you're not the kind of person that you thought that you were...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Way to go Mac

so really quick, i just want to give a big congrats to my friend mac. he defended his thesis today and pretty much rocked! he talked about atahualpa yupanqui poetry and Eco-criticism. Mac is out at Rutgers University, because he is amazing. I owe a lot to mac, he is the one who really taught me how to make and drink Mate, I will always be in his debt.

thanks mac, congratulations, and good luck

Friday, October 10, 2008

Well, I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."

so recently i have realized that i have been to a lot of foreign countries and a big chunk of the u.s. of A but, I have only really ever "lived" in mexico, utah, and, idaho. which leaves a vast space of emptiness in my knowledge of just where i would like to live. it turns out that here in the next few months (give or a take a few more) i will be looking for a new place of residence. here is teh preliminary list that has been compiled, i would really appreciate any info on living in these places that you might have, like in particular "will i like it? ïs there any good whitewater kayaking near by?" "hows the food?" "what about the music scene?" "will my friend ben's kids be safe if he came and visited me?" "I really like tree and mountains (mountains not hills), how about that?"

so here you go in no particular order

florida (like the university of miami area)
kentucky (again uni of kentucky area)
california (oh you know like the santa barbara, or maybe irvine or palo alto)
georgia (this is on the second choice level, but hey you never know)
maybe texas, austin has a great music scene you know
pitt is an option
and i am throwing out a couple of ideas that i have been playing with lately
puerto rico
and if possible cuba

Monday, October 6, 2008

these feelings wont go away, they've been knockin' me sideways

i am sitting in my little pseudo-office right now typing on my laptop with cool stickers on the back of the screen and sipping mate. I am having a pretty good day other than a nagging pain in my head that wont materialize into a full blown headache but wont go away either. maybe that's what i get for staying up until early this morning. i just wanted to let anyone who cares know that i had a great weekend, i got to go camping on friday night with my dad then attended to some religious commitments on saturday night and sunday. i'm not sure what others heard but i got a big "come together" and "unity" impression while attending to said commitments. i have been feeling a lot lately for my friends, and the feelings just wont go away, some are amazing, some are of regret, either way i'm not sure what to do with them all. not many of my friends are around any more and the memories are tremendous and the loneliness is torturess.
so this message is to all of you, i love you guys...

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

born to be a god amongst salesmen, working the skinny tie.

so it seems that my posts have a tendency to lean towards the longer side, so I thought that I would keep this one on the shorter side.

So i am still having a hard time writing, which makes me sad, and the other day i talked on the phone with a friend in cali, and after the conversation i realized that i have been on the negative side lately. as such, i have decided that the people that i enjoy the most and most enjoy being around are people who are not negative. i would use johnnyA as an example but most of you don't know him so it wouldn't help. i will therefore work on being less negative and more positive. and i would like to help all of my friends and, well, anyone that i come in contact with to do the same, starting with this

go, it is great, it makes me happy, hell take me with you and we can both be happy...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

i don't know you, but i want you all the more for that

so i have watched two new movies this last week or so. "Our brand is Crisis" and "finding Fidel" both are documentaries with political slants. i would really recommend both of these to any and everyone. I understand that any form of media is incapable of being truly unbiased, but both of these made me think and reevaluate what i consider as "truth."
i am trying really hard to do some writing, and not getting much done. A current authority figure in my day-to-day recently made a comment to me that i should never have been allowed to get to where i am because of my inability to write, and i must admit that i am having a hard time getting over it even though this person hasn't seen or read anything that i have written in roughly 3 years. so i'll go back to truth, i am struggling to find what i consider truth, and to be true. i've had a few experiences recently to make me wonder how good i am at being true, let me share one.
i wanted a new pair of shoes, so i took my little sister (whom i love and adore) with me and we went shopping. we went to where a friend of mine works, (i really like this girl, she is great, however, she really doesn't know me, not that i know her all too well either so i think that the friendship here is really more of a me liking her and her tolerating me) we bought shoes. (it is my sisters b-day soon so i got her a pair like mine). as my friend and i talked i asked her if she was going to be joining us (me and another friend, on of the most sincere, and sincerely good people i know) for some kayaking the next day. she informed me that she would not, she had chosen not to kayak on said day. in my own ideas of truth, i shouldn't have been kayaking that day either, but had put that aside for my desire to kayak with the aforementioned friend. i was shamed into not kayaking. and have been questioning ever since my conviction to things that i would claim as truth.

i guess my point here is that i am sorry, i don't generally favor parentheses, (i am more of an ellipsis kind of guy) and think that parentheses allow us to side step or justify truth. i am sorry to anyone who finds me untrue and encourage everyone to question authority and seek truth (not just plain 'ol truth but the good kind, you know true truth) and share it with each other.

(oh and here you go ... )

Monday, September 15, 2008

he lives in a little house on the side of a little hill

so i have just moved into a little 2br, 1bth, kit, parking in the rear apartment in a 4-plex. this happened after a quite long and drawn out process of me sleeping in my car, on my parents living room floor, and camping out. this process included me being the victim of discrimination. so the man i am renting from let his apartment sit empty for almost three weeks, at least two of those i was trying to move in. finally i told him i would need to know if i could move in or not so that i could make other arrangements if necessary. he informed me that he had found a young newly wed couple and would be renting to them if they wanted the apartment and if not, then i could have it. so i called on the specified day and time and was told that he had rented the apartment. i was sad, and upset, i really needed a place to sleep, but i went kayaking with john and shanshine and quickly got over it (i swam but we can talk about that later, for those of you who don't know about kayaking that's a bad thing). later that afternoon the landlord called back and told me that if i wanted the apartment it was mine and i could move int the next day. apparently one of the two didn't like my little house. so here is my point. i was really upset that i wasn't going to get a place to live simply because i am not married. my money is just as legit and i am just as capable of paying on time as my married counterparts out there. the landlord even explained to me that he gives priority to married couples as a way to help them save money to eventually put a down payment on a house (rent is more than reasonable). here is my problem, i am angry that i wasn't good enough for his apartment because of my marital status, but at the same time, if i was in his position and i could help young married couples get started i would like to do the same thing. i can't help but be a little upset, and yet i would do the same if i could. i guess the bottom line is, do you like apples?
well i got the apartment, how do you like them apples?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

i don't know why i feel so tongue tied

so this is my first post as a blogger. i finally decided that i could no longer live vicariously through my friends blogs by simply leaving comments. i have been putting this off, however, because if feel like i haven't written anything in a long time worth anything. i lost my inspiration i guess and just couldn't find my voice, if i ever had one, to say anything. So here we go, with everything around us changing i am sure i will as well, but i hope that this will be an open forum to stay together and keep in touch as we embrace, struggle against, fight for, and are destroyed by the changes we experience. Truth is everything is always changing, we can either do it together and recognize each other at the end, or do it on our own and never recognize one another again.