the rain made such a lovely sound to those who are six feet under ground

the things that i love the most in life are, like most people, the things that i should love the most. it seems that what is good, or worthy of love is much more universal that what one should hate. but i am struggling right now with the fact, well, that so much of what i am supposed to love is turning into, or has become everything that i hate. i don't know how to respond, or act when i am around people or in places that i used to and know that i should love when every semblance of what i perceived to be worthy of my love before is gone and it is just demanding. it's wearing on me, and i'm tired.

i just want to love and be loved in return...

i heard there was a secret cord that david played and it pleased the lord but you don't really care for music, do you

so when i started blogging here, i must admit i was intrigued. i thought to myself "cool, secret blog. i can do and say whatever i want!" the idea of a secret blog was very appealing, but i realized that i wanted to use this more as a way for me to stay in touch with friends, maybe make a few new ones, and simply write. i realized that a secret blog of this nature, written by someone of my lowly import, does not get a whole lot of traffic and would be, therefore, very lonely. anyone who knows me would know that i like people, i don't know if anyone would call me a "people person" i think that i get called an "ass" much more often, but none would say that i am not a social animal of sorts. but it has happened, twice now i have had things that i really needed to talk about, to vent i guess, but i have had no forum, public or private to do it in. i am not one to hold my tongue, i generally say what i feel, i try and be tactful, but have no problem stating my mind. sometimes this is good and sometimes it is not. so it was hard for me not to let go here to my virtual colleagues. i don't know if i am "growing up" (i did just turn 29), or what, but my blog here has turned into an affective filter to help censure my emotions. i don't like holding things back, i feel somewhat dishonest with myself, but i can't please everyone, nor can i change them as to be pleased by them. these have been some of those times where no one wins, so i guess i'll keep quiet.

now i need to clear a few things up i need to get my head clear need to clear the air

well, i have been doing a lot lately. my brother took me to a concert to commemorate an event that took place some 29 years ago. we went and saw The Eagles of Death Metal. the show was great, they played for nearly two hours, blew out two amps, and broke several pieces of the drum set. they never stopped playing, it didn't matter what went wrong they just rocked out for the crowd. then this weekend i went with some friends and we kayaked all weekend. i did really well, i took my little play boat and hit all of my lines, it helps when you have good people to go with, it always makes my confidence go up. and i have been reading as much as i can, i really have a lot to do for my thesis. anyway i hope that your weekends were as rejuvenating, although ephemeral as mine...

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog, where no one notices the contrast of white on white

well, the few blogs that i prescribe to have seemed to all have a "home" or some sort of "family" theme this past week. they talked about anything from settling in, to where home really is, and the calling back to home, and even how people from their home treat each other. so i have been feeling quite out of place in all that i do recently, it seems to be somewhat inspiring for a thesis however, and i have actually been somewhat productive this week. Home is an interesting concept for me. i have lived at home longer than many, but i have left for significant amounts of time more than most. i don't think that i can think of a time when i ever felt home sick, and yet i can't think of a time that i felt any different at home than i have in my travels. so what is home? what does it feel like? I have an amazing mother, when I don't get to talk to her, or see her i miss her. but when i am at her house i miss mexico and guatemala, and even idaho. so is it possible to have that many "homes" ? i was talking with a friend last night and she got confused because i called my parents house "home", and i call my current place of dwelling my "apartment" but i feel the same way about them and when i am in them (except for the fact that i don't have the bookshelve space in my apartment that i had before). As a general rule, the first night in a new place is hard for me and i wount sleep real well, but after that i feel just as much "at home" as i do anywhere else. i am goinog on a kayaking trip the begining of november with some friends, i am really looking forward to this, but the interestign things is that teh beach that we are going to sleep on and my goose down sleeping bag are just as inviting and comforting as the couch in house where i spent the greater part of my life. so what is this "home" thing all about?

music the great communicator, use two sticks to make it in the nature

so, i really really love music. i have been on a jazz kick lately, and thanks to the cave of montesinos i have a nice little library right now on my computer. i have to admit it is a little trumpet heavy but that's okay... so anyway, i understand that anyone who reads this is probably someone who knows me rather well and is already aware of what i am about to tell you, so this might not be the most exciting post for most of you, but on the off chance that someone happens to stumble upon this, i would like to think that it will make their life better.

check this out pandora
put in your email address, don't worry no problems there, and enjoy commercial free, customizable, personal stations of heaven. i want to recommend to all of you that you check out the "chambao" station, it's one of my favorites!

why are you doing this to me, am i not living up to what i'm supposed to be?

so i have been feeling a little sacado de la onda lately. i have been kayaking with some friends, and it really helped, i felt rejuvenated and happy. came back to work and things just didn't seem to keep up. it is always hard when you realize that people don't see you or think about you the way that you think they do, and harder when you realize that you're not the kind of person that you thought that you were...

Way to go Mac

so really quick, i just want to give a big congrats to my friend mac. he defended his thesis today and pretty much rocked! he talked about atahualpa yupanqui poetry and Eco-criticism. Mac is out at Rutgers University, because he is amazing. I owe a lot to mac, he is the one who really taught me how to make and drink Mate, I will always be in his debt.

thanks mac, congratulations, and good luck