so, shortly after my mom dies, my world falls apart, and i feel more alone than ever because i didn't get to see my mom, i didn't get to see her respond, and my best friend on the other side of the country and i have a falling out and i feel alone on all fronts. He gets into a great school and i feel stupid.
yesterday we had a meeting with all of the grad students in our department with the grad student coordinator. our boss. she asked if we had any complaints or issues that we would like to bring up. i did. i asked about getting some feedback from professors. i have taken at least four classes in my Ph.D. where i received no feedback on my presentations in class, or my final paper. at the end of my first year i had to take a qualifying exam, i received general feedback on the exam and my progress in the program. it seems that the general consensus among the professors was that my ideas are brilliant, they were very happy with me in class, my comments and participation, but that i can't write for shit. that's okay, i can learn how to write, right? the ideas, well that the hard part. so i was told to talk to professors and get feedback so that i could improve. well that rarely happened. my thesis director would miss meetings, cancel meetings, show up to meetings and say that she misplaced my final paper. i was frustrated but continued to make appointments, send emails, and do what i could. i have to say that not all of the professors are like this, some of them gave me great feedback and were happy to discuss my work with me. i switched dissertation directors and now have someone who is very willing and ready to work. the problem now is me... again, long story short. in this meeting, when I asked about getting better feedback from professors, we were told that we shouldn't expect feedback from our professors, that they couldn't force professors to do anything, and that she was sorry but i needed to get over it, that my first two years in the program had been a waste and that i just needed to start over where i am now. well, i feel like i have done that and didn't appreciate being told that i just had some bad luck, get over it, move on.
so, between feeling like i'm worthless because i don't cheat, lie, plagiarize, and still can't get in to the best schools when others can, and that the grad coordinator feels like the first two years of my education here were worthless, i'm not feeling particularly academic at the moment. i am trying to write a proposal, i have be trying for over a month now and have very little, next to nothing and a director who would like to see what i have. and what i don't have right now are the good ideas and intelligent comments.
so really what i'm trying to say and what i really want to get at it that its been some 520 days since my mom died and all i really want is to be haunted...
6 days ago