there's a man holding a megaphone he must have been the voice of god

there is a full moon outside tonight. It's november 3rd and an outstanding 64 degrees outside. there's something about standing outside in the fall, looking up at a full moon and being completely comfortable for a second in your surroundings that just makes me melt into myself. it's that split second where i just don't care about anything else, and don't care that i don't care about anything. i usually feel so bad when i don't feel the way that i should, when i don't believe what i am told, when i question the ones i respect, but the moon, the full moon makes it okay for me to be...just be for a second. when i sit in the perfection of the full moon light its okay that i'm not so...perfect, that i don't know, that i don't believe, that i just can't seem to get a grip on anything. the moon is great, and the fall moon when its full is one of the greatest things.

is there so much hate for the ones who love?

so i haven't posted anything since i left home for the summer to go, well, home, i guess. i've been coming up to idaho for 9 years now, it's hard for me to remember a time when i didn't and there have been some great times and some horrible times for me. others have loved that i leave or some have never understood why i keep coming back and hate it.

it's funny that i always think that i "know" people, or that i can 'read" them and people always seem to think the same about me, i'm pretty easy to read i guess, but this summer has really pointed out to me how often we impose our idea of the other on them. i think that i know someone and act accordingly just to find out that i was wrong all along. i had someone announce to everyone the other day "what i was thinking" in a situation. he was really wrong. i could understand why he would think that i would think that way and could even see myself thinking that, but at that moment i didn't. my feeling were quite different.

i love my friends and family and am sorry for the times that i impose my own feelings and ideas on you or act in a way that you don't understand at all and i seem to think that you should understand perfectly. i hope that you love me for who i am and not who people think that i am and that i can love you for who you are and not some idea that floats around in my head with all of my insecurities and preconceived notions about life and people.

oh, and this is a little glimpse of why i come to idaho for the summers...no lies, just love

so i just got back from my tromp in seattle and all though i have much to say about the voyage i felt like you would all rather see it than read about it from me.  sufice it to say that i could very happily live in the pacific northwest for the rest of my life, and i haven't even tried the kayaking yet.

enjoy, 

these are a few of my favorite things

so i just got back from washington where i spent a few amazing days trouncing around. i am sure that i will have more to say about it later, but for now sufice it to say that i could live very comfortably for the rest of my life in the pacific northwest. allow me to show you why

the rain shall come, and corpses become roses, there's a hidden beauty finding it's way out of everything

so there's a hidden beauty finding it's way out of everything. i wish that i could be the kind of person that saw that beauty. i tend to lean to the negative side of things, i don't know why and i try and change and be positive but my initial response is always the negative. There is a trip going out this weekend to a river that only runs three times a year, i'm not going. i want to but there are things that i need to do, not want to do...have you ever noticed how the snow glows even in the shadows when it's copulating with the mountain side? i am waiting for the hidden beauty to find it's way out of me, or don't i classify as part of everything?

and for present thoughts on the past the song is katie come true by son, Ambulance. now there is some hidden beauty

whatever you need to make you feel like you've been the one behind the wheel the sunrise is just over that hill the worst is over

fate: 4 me: 0

the worst is over

whatever i said to make you think
that loves the religion of the weak
this morning we love like weaklings
the worst is over
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do do
the worst is over
(lyrics by cursive, i can't take credit for them)

i've been misunderstood for all of my life but what they're saying girl it cuts like a knife "the boy's no good"

10 minutes of anxiety induced nausea

9 colors of opi nail polish that i have personally tried on and can attest to

8, eight i forget what eight was for

7 hours of kayaking last week

6 tamales, that's how many i ate after me and some of my best friends spent a few hours slow roasting pork, seasoning chicken, and forming blobs of masa into moist corn husks after making our own salsa last monday. we called it the tamalazo!

5 boxes of chocolate bought after valentines day at a 75% discount. if nothing else the day after the day of love and friendship allows me to buy some okay chocolate at a cheap price.

4 hours spent watching the movies Grease and Grease 2 this week. i don't think i have ever heard so much double sentido in my life

3 number of times i made dinner last week. homemade marinara sauce, it was divine with the handmade meatballs of my friend, garlic chipotle marinaded pork with potatoes and stuffing, and shepherds pie.

2 days that my mom was out of the hospital before she had to leave to be with my grandpa after surgery. so much for getting to relax and spend some time at home huh ma...

1 rejection letter

and really if you made it this far the real point of this post is to send everyone here so that they can experience their own quixotic moment in the cave of montesinos. please click on the link here, even though i am sure that most of you who are looking at this are already visiting the cave on a regular basis, i just want to point out how much i really enjoyed today's post and the one third one back. i truly would like to know what a mahnamahna is and where can i get some of those invisible strings???

please come to boston for the springtime i'm stayin' on with some friends

they've got lots of room you can sell your paintings on the sidewalk by a cafe where i hope to be workin soon. Please come to boston.

She said no, boy you come home to me.

so here we go,

one day of making tamales with friends while one of the best of them let his girls run around and make me smile.

four days of kayaking with my brothers, not of blood but water, doesn't get much better than that

one day of my mom coming home from the hospital and then going to see her dad in the hospital.

one dinner of tacos and reminiscing about merida yucatan

one letter of rejection

the beginning of one week of reunion with my best friend from my youth while he interns with an architecture firm.

one blog post that made me laugh out loud. look

the drunk kids, the catholics they're all about the same. they're waiting for something hoping to be saved

so i have this idea to solve for world peace, okay well peace here in the good ol' U.S. of A. anyway. so here's what we'll do, and i need to give venom some credit here, she really helped me develop this thought, i actually think that it might have been her's originally, but i have decided to write about it. so here's what we'll do, the democrats are going to leave the whole gun thing alone, people are going to be able to own any gun they want, any ammo they want, however many they want, i know, i know just stick with me here for a second, i promise this will work out. next, the republicans are going to be so happy with their guns that they will agree to stop infringing upon our fourth amendment rights and i can stop worrying if they are listening to my phone conversations, searching my emails, getting upset when i talk to my friends about how much i want to go to cuba, i won't have to worry about someone getting pulled over and arrested for a having a "single seed" of "yerbabuena" somewhere in the car with them. i think that we would all get along so much more if i could have all of the guns i wanted and know that my right to be protected from unlawful search and seizure was respected, we would all be happy and voila, national peace.

don't you like how i used as many commas as i could

(i did that to throw off anyone who might be sneaking around my blog looking for threats to our national security,,,,,)

hey, i've got commentary without much to say

so as i left campus this afternoon at approximately 3:37 in the p.m. i was struck but the amazing scene of a storm rolling in. campus sits at the base of some little mountains (read little rocky style mountains, so real mountains, not hills) and the grey ominous clouds dropped down over the mountain tops and began to fill the space in between the foothills and the university grounds rather quickly. soon the taller buildings started to disappear underneath the cobalt grey mass and the breeze started pushing harder against my exposed cheeks. i stood at the light and found that i didn't care so much about crossing anymore. the living, breathing, feeding monster rushed overhead and the cloud covered blue disappeared into a devouring mass of dark. the frozen rain started hitting me in the face, and i still couldn't move, or at least i didn't want to. with the snow my field of vision was reduced to the small circumference that my aura projected around me. it is beauty and organically colorful moments like this that make it hard for me to remember the daunting and looming power of a storm and the risks inherent in it to the exposed individual. everyone seemed to run around me while the clouds slowed down just for me. i love being outside, i remember a storm in the uinta mountains with members of my bloodline when i was younger where the lightning was so close you could feel the electrical charge and smell the thunder. I often look for these moments and opportunities to bond with, never confront, a storm and they form the greater part of my positive memories in my outdoor life. for a few minutes today i remembered who i am, what i believe, why i believe, and who i want to be and what i want to believe. my mom is in the hospital, they want to give her someone elses lungs, she doesn't know if she wants them, and it doesn't matter what i want. since i was about ten years old they have been telling me that my mom was going to die, three years would be a miracle, lets give you some new medicine, but this doesn't change anything, there is no cure, the same things that make the storms so beautiful make us all unique, and they decided to make my mom different. i don't like this storm nearly as much as the one i saw this afternoon, and don't think that i can handle it when it really hits.

it's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read, just yet

you gotta spend some time love you gotta spend some time on me

i guess my point is i've learned, i've changed, i've improved, and i have fallen behind this past year. i have never failed in my life, i never make resolutions because they don't motivate me, when I want to do something i set out and do it. if something comes up along the way i change my mind and do something else, but ultimately i have decided, in one way or another to be who i am, i am blessed to have people who support me in being me and inspire me to be better so starting this year i want to thank those of you who are true friends, i love you, i miss you, i am excited for you, and i am sorry for your plights.

que dios les bendiga

by your good book's standards, i've sinned like a champion

dear preacher, thanks for making time for me today, hope you don't mind if i hide behind the curtain

so it has been one month since my last post. for those of you who cared, i am sorry, i never meant to go that long. things have been up and things have been down. passed my prospectus defense, was sick during the holiday break, had to tell my little sister stuff she didn't want to hear, got proof i was right and then completely disregarded everything i said for something shiny. went kayaking to celebrate the new year, started teaching for the semester, and got snowed in on my mom's birthday. i am finishing up the last of the PhD. applications and wondering why? and i have it narrowed done to two boats to replace my cracked kayak. i got gift card to various bookstores for christmas and am looking forward to trying to decide which ones i need the most. and i went to the cave of montesinos and remembered just how adorable his little girls are. i have fallen back into that "i can't write" slump, i will try and do better. you guys and this little remembrance project helped before, maybe we can do it again