hey, i've got commentary without much to say

so as i left campus this afternoon at approximately 3:37 in the p.m. i was struck but the amazing scene of a storm rolling in. campus sits at the base of some little mountains (read little rocky style mountains, so real mountains, not hills) and the grey ominous clouds dropped down over the mountain tops and began to fill the space in between the foothills and the university grounds rather quickly. soon the taller buildings started to disappear underneath the cobalt grey mass and the breeze started pushing harder against my exposed cheeks. i stood at the light and found that i didn't care so much about crossing anymore. the living, breathing, feeding monster rushed overhead and the cloud covered blue disappeared into a devouring mass of dark. the frozen rain started hitting me in the face, and i still couldn't move, or at least i didn't want to. with the snow my field of vision was reduced to the small circumference that my aura projected around me. it is beauty and organically colorful moments like this that make it hard for me to remember the daunting and looming power of a storm and the risks inherent in it to the exposed individual. everyone seemed to run around me while the clouds slowed down just for me. i love being outside, i remember a storm in the uinta mountains with members of my bloodline when i was younger where the lightning was so close you could feel the electrical charge and smell the thunder. I often look for these moments and opportunities to bond with, never confront, a storm and they form the greater part of my positive memories in my outdoor life. for a few minutes today i remembered who i am, what i believe, why i believe, and who i want to be and what i want to believe. my mom is in the hospital, they want to give her someone elses lungs, she doesn't know if she wants them, and it doesn't matter what i want. since i was about ten years old they have been telling me that my mom was going to die, three years would be a miracle, lets give you some new medicine, but this doesn't change anything, there is no cure, the same things that make the storms so beautiful make us all unique, and they decided to make my mom different. i don't like this storm nearly as much as the one i saw this afternoon, and don't think that i can handle it when it really hits.

it's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language you can't read, just yet

you gotta spend some time love you gotta spend some time on me

i guess my point is i've learned, i've changed, i've improved, and i have fallen behind this past year. i have never failed in my life, i never make resolutions because they don't motivate me, when I want to do something i set out and do it. if something comes up along the way i change my mind and do something else, but ultimately i have decided, in one way or another to be who i am, i am blessed to have people who support me in being me and inspire me to be better so starting this year i want to thank those of you who are true friends, i love you, i miss you, i am excited for you, and i am sorry for your plights.

que dios les bendiga

by your good book's standards, i've sinned like a champion

dear preacher, thanks for making time for me today, hope you don't mind if i hide behind the curtain

so it has been one month since my last post. for those of you who cared, i am sorry, i never meant to go that long. things have been up and things have been down. passed my prospectus defense, was sick during the holiday break, had to tell my little sister stuff she didn't want to hear, got proof i was right and then completely disregarded everything i said for something shiny. went kayaking to celebrate the new year, started teaching for the semester, and got snowed in on my mom's birthday. i am finishing up the last of the PhD. applications and wondering why? and i have it narrowed done to two boats to replace my cracked kayak. i got gift card to various bookstores for christmas and am looking forward to trying to decide which ones i need the most. and i went to the cave of montesinos and remembered just how adorable his little girls are. i have fallen back into that "i can't write" slump, i will try and do better. you guys and this little remembrance project helped before, maybe we can do it again

i have a friend he's mostly made of paint...

Es mejor vivir 1 day como leon
than un mil anos como lamb
el leon y the lamb will lie down juntos?
who will make this happen?
quien?
despues de un dia
the lion is ready to lie down
soy leon?
eres mi lamb?
o can i be yours?
when will i lie down?
cuando acostaremos?
es mejor VIVIR 1 day
than un mil de anos
just give me something to show for it
algo!
algo.
algo?

the rain made such a lovely sound to those who are six feet under ground

the things that i love the most in life are, like most people, the things that i should love the most. it seems that what is good, or worthy of love is much more universal that what one should hate. but i am struggling right now with the fact, well, that so much of what i am supposed to love is turning into, or has become everything that i hate. i don't know how to respond, or act when i am around people or in places that i used to and know that i should love when every semblance of what i perceived to be worthy of my love before is gone and it is just demanding. it's wearing on me, and i'm tired.

i just want to love and be loved in return...

i heard there was a secret cord that david played and it pleased the lord but you don't really care for music, do you

so when i started blogging here, i must admit i was intrigued. i thought to myself "cool, secret blog. i can do and say whatever i want!" the idea of a secret blog was very appealing, but i realized that i wanted to use this more as a way for me to stay in touch with friends, maybe make a few new ones, and simply write. i realized that a secret blog of this nature, written by someone of my lowly import, does not get a whole lot of traffic and would be, therefore, very lonely. anyone who knows me would know that i like people, i don't know if anyone would call me a "people person" i think that i get called an "ass" much more often, but none would say that i am not a social animal of sorts. but it has happened, twice now i have had things that i really needed to talk about, to vent i guess, but i have had no forum, public or private to do it in. i am not one to hold my tongue, i generally say what i feel, i try and be tactful, but have no problem stating my mind. sometimes this is good and sometimes it is not. so it was hard for me not to let go here to my virtual colleagues. i don't know if i am "growing up" (i did just turn 29), or what, but my blog here has turned into an affective filter to help censure my emotions. i don't like holding things back, i feel somewhat dishonest with myself, but i can't please everyone, nor can i change them as to be pleased by them. these have been some of those times where no one wins, so i guess i'll keep quiet.

now i need to clear a few things up i need to get my head clear need to clear the air

well, i have been doing a lot lately. my brother took me to a concert to commemorate an event that took place some 29 years ago. we went and saw The Eagles of Death Metal. the show was great, they played for nearly two hours, blew out two amps, and broke several pieces of the drum set. they never stopped playing, it didn't matter what went wrong they just rocked out for the crowd. then this weekend i went with some friends and we kayaked all weekend. i did really well, i took my little play boat and hit all of my lines, it helps when you have good people to go with, it always makes my confidence go up. and i have been reading as much as i can, i really have a lot to do for my thesis. anyway i hope that your weekends were as rejuvenating, although ephemeral as mine...