the rain made such a lovely sound to those who are six feet under ground

the things that i love the most in life are, like most people, the things that i should love the most. it seems that what is good, or worthy of love is much more universal that what one should hate. but i am struggling right now with the fact, well, that so much of what i am supposed to love is turning into, or has become everything that i hate. i don't know how to respond, or act when i am around people or in places that i used to and know that i should love when every semblance of what i perceived to be worthy of my love before is gone and it is just demanding. it's wearing on me, and i'm tired.

i just want to love and be loved in return...

i heard there was a secret cord that david played and it pleased the lord but you don't really care for music, do you

so when i started blogging here, i must admit i was intrigued. i thought to myself "cool, secret blog. i can do and say whatever i want!" the idea of a secret blog was very appealing, but i realized that i wanted to use this more as a way for me to stay in touch with friends, maybe make a few new ones, and simply write. i realized that a secret blog of this nature, written by someone of my lowly import, does not get a whole lot of traffic and would be, therefore, very lonely. anyone who knows me would know that i like people, i don't know if anyone would call me a "people person" i think that i get called an "ass" much more often, but none would say that i am not a social animal of sorts. but it has happened, twice now i have had things that i really needed to talk about, to vent i guess, but i have had no forum, public or private to do it in. i am not one to hold my tongue, i generally say what i feel, i try and be tactful, but have no problem stating my mind. sometimes this is good and sometimes it is not. so it was hard for me not to let go here to my virtual colleagues. i don't know if i am "growing up" (i did just turn 29), or what, but my blog here has turned into an affective filter to help censure my emotions. i don't like holding things back, i feel somewhat dishonest with myself, but i can't please everyone, nor can i change them as to be pleased by them. these have been some of those times where no one wins, so i guess i'll keep quiet.

now i need to clear a few things up i need to get my head clear need to clear the air

well, i have been doing a lot lately. my brother took me to a concert to commemorate an event that took place some 29 years ago. we went and saw The Eagles of Death Metal. the show was great, they played for nearly two hours, blew out two amps, and broke several pieces of the drum set. they never stopped playing, it didn't matter what went wrong they just rocked out for the crowd. then this weekend i went with some friends and we kayaked all weekend. i did really well, i took my little play boat and hit all of my lines, it helps when you have good people to go with, it always makes my confidence go up. and i have been reading as much as i can, i really have a lot to do for my thesis. anyway i hope that your weekends were as rejuvenating, although ephemeral as mine...